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A letter to Dave, my love...my angel [Mar. 11th, 2008|12:55 am]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , ]
[I'm feeling... |depresseddepressed]
[music spinning in my head... |Time After Time by Eva Cassidy]

Dave...where do I begin?? There are so many things I want to say to you. When we first became friends so many years ago, I instantly knew there was something special about you. It was so clear that you had a pure heart of gold...you always put everybody else before yourself. You were always honest, always laughing and smiling, and so full of life! From the very beginning we were instantly bonded by a deep friendship...and a love that ran deeper than any love I have experienced before throughout my life. For so many years, we spent every moment together...our days, our nights, our weekends, holidays, birthdays, weddings, funerals, break-ups, hook-ups...parties, vacations, the birth of my 2 children...we were inseperable for so long. We certainly went through alot together, but with you by my side I always felt comforted and safe, happy and LOVED. I think of all our crazy conversations...the long drives to nowhere, singing country songs to each other that no one else knew, drawing pictures together =), chasing down storms lol...making cow chairs, blowing up barbecues (and cars on occasion!), laughing at nothing at all and singing to everything!!! We both knew each others deepest secrets, we knew each others souls. How many times would we stay up all night and talk...make each other laugh...hold each other when we needed to cry. We were the best of friends, closer to each other than anybody could imagine. And I loved you so much, so very much...and I knew that you loved me, too. Our love grew as the years went on, and I remember how afraid we were when we decided to take it to the next level that our friendship would be ruined if it didnt work. We tried to fight it...but we did end up together. Finally!!! I cherish every second, every moment that we were together, as friends, as lovers, as soulmates. My heart is broken into so many tiny pieces...the only thing that is keeping me together is the memories that I have of you, your smile, your laughter, your kisses, your hugs. I remember the warmth of your hand holding mine. I remember the way you held me in your arms when I was hurt, and the tears that fell down your cheeks. I remember the way you would kiss my forehead when you thought I was asleep and whisper in my ear that you loved me.
Dave, remember this song??

"if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time"

That was an amazing night, it keeps playing in my mind over and over...but its just one of many...

I remember how much it hurt when we went our seperate ways, and how we tried to keep our friendship though those tough times. It was hard to be friends from a distance, but we needed to take a step back and figure things out. It hurt like hell. And when we started to talk again, I honestly believed that if we took it slow, spent some time with each other every so often, stayed in touch...that slowly we would be able to get it right this time. I thought we had time to go at it slow. We knew we both still loved each other...more than a romantic love, but a spiritual bond, a deep love like no other..because we both said it to each other. My biggest regret in this life is that I thought we had more time. I never in a million years would imagine that I would be by your bedside, in the hospital, holding your hand and praying...knowing in my heart that you were leaving this earth for a better place. And although I know that you are up in heaven, probably singing with the angels, and watching down upon me and everyone else that you love....I ache. My heart aches for you, Dave. I know you are in a much better place but it still hurts, and I miss you so very much. I am truly lost without you. We had so many things left to do, so many unfinished plans...I prayed so hard and begged God for a chance to have you back, for you to wake up...but it wasn't meant to be. I LOVE YOU. You are truly a part of me, a part of my heart and my soul. So babe, farewell for now my best friend. Say hello to my Stepfather and to Shane...and save a spot for me by your side...I look foward to the day when we will meet again. I will see you in my dreams, I will talk to you in my thoughts and prayers, and with every beat of my aching heart I will be 1 beat closer to seeing you again. My truest of loves, I will remember you each and every day. I will sing all those songs we would sing together, I will look to the heavens and see your smiling face. I love you forever and always...

"Now i know God has His reasons
But sometimes its hard to see them
When I awake and find that your not there
You found hope in hopeless, You made crazy sane
You became the missing link that helped me break my chains

And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that he let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is your gone..."

I LOVE YOU DAVID MICHAEL CUSICK. Thank you for sharing your life with me, and I can't wait to see your smiling face again. Goodbye for now, my angel...
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an old letter to you... [May. 13th, 2006|04:02 am]
[I'm feeling... |sadsad]
[music spinning in my head... |Fort Minor - Where'd You Go?]

it figures that the one person who is perfect for me
is the one person who is so far out of reach
i kinda feel used...
but i'm such a sucker for you
because when you look my way
i see so much of my world in your eyes
i cant explain these feelings that i feel
i cant think about anything else but you
and your so untouchable
and i cant tell a soul what i'm feeling
because it's our little secret
i wish i could live out that night for all of time
the way you looked at me, held me, kissed me
wanted me
needed me
and we spent an eternity in each others arms
but it wasn't real
and it was so wrong
it had to end
because you are untouchable
so far out of reach
i would give anything to be in your arms again
but all these feelings are one sided
and i realize now that all your passion for me
was just your lonliness overtaking you
a need to feel loved and not rejected
and for one moment maybe
you could just close your eyes
and pretend i was her...
but i know that i am thankful for
the one moment we had together
for that one moment of my life
i felt loved by you
and the same way you used me
to ease some of your lonliness and pain
is the same way i used you
and let you have me for one night
so i could close my eyes
and pretend i was her...
being loved
by you

* remember when I wrote that? years ago. i should have seen it then. you used me all along, and i just allowed it to happen. shame on me for being so stupid...i walked away knowing you were just looking to get laid but im such an asshole that once you said those 3 deadly words "I LOVE YOU" i stayed by your side, believing every word that you said.

and shame on you for throwing away the best thing that ever happened to you. i never once lied, cheated, went behind your back..never once did i give you any reason to doubt that i really loved you.

well, i gave you a million chances to do the right thing by me. being honest and kind just isnt in your nature. such a waste, too. we could have had a good thing. oh well. you used up all your chances. now its time for me to move on. good luck finding somebody who will love you and take care of you and support you as much as i did. i think i'm the only sucker around who would put up with your shit. and im gone for good...i hope you realize what you have done...

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Love doesnt exist... [May. 6th, 2006|11:18 am]
[Tags|, , , ]
[I'm feeling... |crushedcrushed]
[music spinning in my head... |REM - Everybody Hurts]

I had a blog posted but it was taken down. I guess he had a point...it really isn't necessarry to post all the sick details about this situation for the world to see...the people closest to me know everything about whats been going on in my life. I just can't seem to get a handle on things. I feel like I'm spinning out of control. I feel like a fool. Everyday I find out more and more lies, more betrayal. I am not sure I will ever be able to trust anybody again, not the way I trusted him. I have wasted most of my life believing in everyone's bullshit...trusting the wrong people and letting myself believe that, if I was a good person and gave my everything into a realtionship...gave all my love, my respect, my trust, my honesty, my understanding, and most importantly...my true friendship and companionship....that I would be loved and respected in return. It doesn't sound like such a stupid idea...at least not to me. But I have realized that I am quite nieve, and I am coming to understand that everybody is out for themselves and because of my trusting nature I am an easy target...a sitting duck, I guess you could say. It makes sense...thats why i have had 1 bad relationship after another, why I have been used and abused over and over again. I blame myself for the most part. I let it happen because of my stupidity. I thought if I didn't lie, then i wouldn't get lied to. I thought that if I didn't cheat, then I wouldn't get cheated on. I thought that if I showed respect and love, then I would be respected and loved in return. Its impossible for me to say "I love you" and not mean it. I dont understand how or why people do that...play such hurtful games with love. In my mind its so simple...if you love somebody then take care of them...do right by them, be honest and loyal, with love automatically comes respect and friendship...without those things there is no "love". To me its all so natural, and I take it very seriously. I completely understand that love doesnt always last forever and that feelings can and do change...but why not be honest about it? Why cheat or lie or take advantage of someone and let them continue to love you...how can people be that cruel? Because when it all comes to an end, and all the lies and all the betrayal comes out...the hurt it causes is unbearable. I feel lost. I feel like I'm half dead. Numb. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I try to keep busy...but when I'm alone all I can do is sit in the dark...trying to figure out how this can all happen...why didnt I see it coming? What is wrong with me? I thought he loved me. I believed him, because he told me he would never lie to me and always LOVE me and i believed him. How can I be so fucking stupid?? How pathetic I am. When you live with somebody for 3 years, you think you know them...and I cant believe how wrong I was. I just....feel so alone. And my god it hurts, its hurts bad. Everyone tells me...live for yourself, just forget about it. I should, and I am trying to. And I think that I would be able to accept this alot easier if it was just a nornal breakup...may if he didnt love me anymore or felt trapped or whatever...I guess what I am saying is if he was honest with me then I would be able to move past this and "get over it". But to know that he lied to me so easily..to know the places he has gone and the things he did behind my back..to know he was able to have such hatred towards me to hurt me and say the things he has said to me...and to find out all this within a few days time, well...its overwhelming. And I just cant believe that I played the fool...again.
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6 weird things/habits about myself [Mar. 27th, 2006|07:06 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[I'm feeling... |blahblah]
[music spinning in my head... |Kai Tracid - Trance and Acid]

6 Weird Things/Habits

The first player of this game starts by listing "6 weird things/habits about yourself" in his/her blog. The people who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule at the top of the blog post. To continue the game, you need to choose 6 people to "tag" and list their names at the bottom of your blog post. Then, don't forget to leave a comment in on their myspace page that says "You have been tagged.". Be sure to tell them to see your blog.

1. If I am drinking a cup of coffee, tea, hot chocolate etc...I HAVE to leave the spoon in the mug or I cant drink it. I don't know why I do this, the spoon always whacks me in the face when I get near the bottom of the mug...but if theres no spoon it's just not drinkable

2. I am EXTREMELY afraid of spiders. I definitely have arachnophobia, without a doubt. I have jumped out of moving cars because of spiders. I used to have a huge waterbed with a mirrored canopy and one day when I was fast asleep, my ex-husband thought it would be funny to hang about 3 dozen fake spiders over me with fishing line while I was sleeping, then wake me up screaming "AAAHHHH!! your covered in spiders!!!" I almost had a heart attack and died right there. Then once I realized they were fake and he was in hysterics, I almost shot him with our revolver. Bastard.

3. OK, on a different note.... I have a big plastic Kool-Aid spoon that came attached to a bag of splenda...The spoon has the Kool-Aid happy face on it, and I think its the cutest fucking thing in the world..so cute in fact that when I first saw it I started to cry, and then I started to cry even more because I realized how crazy I really am (the meds I was on at the time didn't exactly help lol)

4. I am obsessed with ghosts. I believe in them, have always seen them, felt thier presence, and sometimes I can sense thier emotion. No this has nothing to do with the fact that i am crazy. I have walked into peoples houses and seen and felt things that they have experienced there for years...and told them about it..without any knowledge of thier past experiences.

5. When I'm in the car, I am constantly looking for dead bodies on the side of the road. I have always subconsciously done this and I have no explanation for this behavior.

6. One of the things in life I would like to do before I die is storm-chasing...Tornado-chasing to be specific. I think that must be one of the most awesomely scary-beautiful-deady experiences a person could have...trying to get as close as humanly possible to a Tornado without being killed by it. Hopefully I will get to do that one day soon.

Who am I Tagging ?





5.Mike T


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69 questions.... [Mar. 16th, 2006|02:45 am]
[Tags|, , ]
[I'm feeling... |boredbored]

1. Initials:
MOB (hehe)

2. Name someone with the same birthday as you:

3. Last thing you ate:
um..does coffee count?

4. For or against same sex marriage:
love is love who am i to judge?

6. Last person you hugged?

7. Do you believe in GOD?
define GOD....I believe in something just not sure how to catagorize it

8. How many U.S states have you been to:
most of them

9. How many of the U.S states have you lived in:

10. Ever lived outside of the US:

11. Name something you like physically about yourself:
not anything at the moment...

12. Something non-physical you like about yourself?
I have a good heart

13. What is your dad's name:
Dad...j/k John

14. Why are you still up?:
sleep? its only 3 in the morning!

15. Who made you angry today:
i wasn't angry at all today

17. Favorite holiday:
used to be Christmas, but now I dunno holidays have been sucky lately

18. Do you download music:
fuck yeah who the hell even buys CD's anymore

19. What illegal things have you done:
more than i care to mention

20. Where would you want to go on a first date?
depends on the situation..but i love the beach...

21. Would you date the person who posted this before you?
well i would have to ask my boyfriends permission first lol

22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally:
yes :)

24. Do you like Bush:
nah, strickly dickly for me hehe

25. Have you ever bungee jumped?
nope if i want to dangle from a cord i would just hang myself

26. Have you ever white-water rafted:
of course! i fucking love it, especially right after winter when all the snow is melting and the rapids are really rough...oooh i like it rough!!!

27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
i think i'm 10 years older than everyone so i'm that old asshole out hitting on all the young'ens hahaha

29. Have you met a real redneck:
i have lived out west and also lived on a mountain top in bumblefuck PA so yeah I would say so

30. How is the weather right now:
amazing day today...right now i have no idea its 3am!

31. What song are you listening to right now:
spiderman is gay...if you consider that little diddy a song

32. What is your current fav song?:
oooh cant pick just one

33. What was the last movie you watched?:
Lord of War

34. Do you wear contacts:
i should

35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?:
Lemon Creek

36. What are you afraid of?:
SPIDERS EWWWWWWWW fucking bastards!!!

37. Do you have piercings or tattoos?
piercings...still need the $$ for my ink

38. How many pets do you have:
3 cats and 1 boyfriend

39. Have you ever loved someone:
yes of course

40. Who is your favorite baseball team?
I'd have to say the Yankees, but hockey is much better than baseball

41. What do you usually order from Starbucks:
starbucks makes me fat

42. Have you ever fired a gun:
oh HELLS YEAH love it

43. Are you missing someone:
everybody misses somebody

44. Fave TV show?:
ummm...i dunno maybe The Daily Show...Aqua Teen Hunger Force...Ghost Hunters

45. Do you have an ipod?:
nope not yet

46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb?:
when i was skinny w/ blonde hair and a nice tan...Tara Reid..also Pheobe from friends (?)

47. Whats your mom's name?:
Iris (well really its Blanca Iris *yes I am spanish* but she goes by Iris)

48. Who would you like to see right now?
alot of people, but I'm not naming names

49. Favorite band or artist of all time:
I don't have a fav!!! God damn it

51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to be doing?
HAHAHA yes I have been a naughty girl lots of times

52. Favorite flower:
I dunno...I like orchids, sunflowers, roses...and any flower given to me by a lover ooh-la-la!

53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn:
buttered and salted so there!

54. What books are you reading:
none at the moment, too busy with my business

55. Have you ever ridden in a limo:

56. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?:
yes too many

57. Do you watch MTV:
not really Fuse is better

58. What's something that really makes you mad:
liars...users...abusive people...rape..pedophiles...ugghh i have a list

59. Whats your favorite hobby?:
i dont have time for hobbies anymore...used to be drawing or riding (horses u pervs)

60. Do you like Michael Jackson:
they need to castrate that mother fucker and drown him in jesus juice

61. Last time you were at work:
i work from home, still working now...

62. Favorite basketball team:
no fucking clue i dont watch it

63. Favorite cereal:
special k with red berries or lucky charms :)

65. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep?:
i've gone quite a few

66. Last time you went bowling:
years ago...

68. Who was your last phone call?
my brother Mike

69. Do you think it is weird/gross that there are 69 questions?:
oh yes I am so grossed out!!! wtf who even says that???

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Henry Rollins..the wise man.. [Mar. 14th, 2006|03:40 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[I'm feeling... |contemplativecontemplative]
[music spinning in my head... |Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile]

I know you
You were too short
You had bad skin
You couldn't talk to them very well
Words didn't seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth

You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic

Made you think that there was something wrong with you
You'd look in the mirror and try to find it
You thought that you were ugly
And that everyone was looking at you

So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation

The hours, days, weekends
Ah, the weekend nights alone
Where were you?In the basement?
In the attic?
In your room?
Working some job - just to have something to do.
Just to have a place to put yourself
Just to have a way to get away from them
A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel
so strange and ill at ease inside yourself

Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not
For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
They would laugh at you
If you would know what to do
If you'd have the right things on
If they would notice that you came from a different planet

Did you get all brave in your thoughts?
Like you going to be able to go in there and deal with it
and have a great time.
Did you think that you might be the life of the party?
That all these people were gonna talk to you and you
would find out that you were wrong?
That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so
strange after all?

Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you were invited because they
thought you were so weird?

Yeah, I think I know you
You spent a lot of time full of hate
A hate that was pure sunshine
A hate that saw for miles
A hate that kept you up at night
A hate that filled your every waking moment
A hate that carried you for a long time

Yes, I think I know you
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived

Home was not home
Your room was home
A corner was home
The place they weren't, that was home

I know you

You're sensitive and you hide it because you fear
getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is
the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you

They mistake kindliness for weakness
But you know the difference
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years
And strength is something you know a bit about because
you had to be strong to keep yourself alive

You know yourself very well now
And you don't trust people
You know them too well

You try to find that special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you don't feel so strange around
And you find that they don't really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens

Yeah, I think I know you
You spend a lot of time daydreaming
And people have made comments to that effect
Telling you that you're self involved, and self centred

But they don't know, do they?
About the long night shifts alone
About the years of keeping yourself company
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
so you could imagine someone holding you
The hours of indecision, self doubt
The intense depression
The blinding hate
The rage that made you stagger
The devastation of rejection

Well, maybe they do know
But if they do, they sure do a good job of hiding it
It astounds you how they can be so smooth
How they seem to pass through life as if life itself
was some divine gift
And it infuriates you to watch yourself with your
apparent skill at finding every way possible to screw it up

For you life is a long trip
Terrifying and wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain and the sun the changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won ally, faithful and patient

Yeah, I think I know you


I <3 Henry Rollins
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Fun with pretzels and other random nonsense [Mar. 14th, 2006|02:01 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[I'm feeling... |weirdweird]
[music spinning in my head... |H.I.M. - Wicked Game]

Fun with pretzels and other silly nonsense

I haven't posted any new pics in a while so here ya go...


Yes I know John is a ladykiller with that tounge...

...he's also hungry - maybe we can find some pretzels!

...no pretzels outside, but I found Des so we smoke and then...

...back inside to find some pretzels!

Hey! I know he's salty, but he's not a pretzel...

I stop the hunt to take a hottii pic with Ian, but he looks like he's hiding something...

OMFG whats in his mouth??? Could it be...


Jesus Christ on a cracker I found the pretzels!!!!

pretzels make us rock out and do weird things...like this...

...and this...

...and this...

...and this!

Hey he ate the pretzel!

John ate a rotten pretzel...poor John. :(

Gordon lost his pretzel...awwwww

we will cheer him up with our pretzel madness!!

see?? all better now!

YAY pretzeels!!!!!!!!

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Things covered in snow... [Feb. 13th, 2006|04:51 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[I'm feeling... |giddygiddy]

I like things. I like snow. Here are some pictures of things covered in snow.


Here is Smokey. She's not covered in snow, but she's so friggin cute!

The green mustang and the bravada, covered in snow.

The hyundai, miata, my white mustang, and my engine...covered in snow.

the bravada again, covered in snow. lol

my green mustang, the bravada, and the miata...guess what? covered in snow.

my white mustang, the hyundai, and the monte ss...covered in snow. sorry I am a bit retarded.

my white mustang, the hyundai....ahhh fuck it i'm not gonna say it!!!!

monte ss, white mustang, hyundai, and the ugly rusty white-trash trailer....C.O.S.(covered in snow LMFAO im so gay)

ugly rusty white-trash trailer....there's a snowblower back there somewhere...C.O.S

If you dont know by now what this is, you suck.


can you find my engine??? damn i'm bored


here I am, going out in the snow at night to take more dumb pictures...

...like this one (notice the care bear pajama pants lol)...

...and that one...(snow in my eye haha)...


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My sister's engagement party [Feb. 13th, 2006|01:49 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , ]
[I'm feeling... |cheerfulcheerful]

Kim & Joe's Engagement Party
Feb. 11, 2006

My baby sister has grown up to become an amazing woman and I am so proud of her. She is not only my sister, but also my friend. I cannot express how happy I am for Kim and Joe. They have been together for so long, and have gone through so many ups and downs...yet thier love stayed strong and through it all they remained by each others side. I am so happy to see them take this next step in thier relationship. I love you both so much <3



I didn't get to take many pics because I was too busy celebrating (drinking lol) but I know a lot of other people had cameras so as I get more pics I will post them. Here's the few I did take

Me and Rob, at the bar...

Me and Shoes, at the bar lol...

Me and Leah, at the bar...lmao..
By this time I am getting shitfaced...

Me and John, at the bar...!!!
COMPLETELY wrecked at this point

The guys doin drunk guy things...

Me and Rob...still at the bar...


Thats it for now...I hope I'll have more to add soon

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More pics cuz I <3 my camera [Feb. 8th, 2006|01:53 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[I'm feeling... |happyhappy]
[music spinning in my head... |Lagwagon - "Falling Apart"]

Some more pics from Rhythym & Brews...and some random other pics thrown in for shits and giggles!

Life is good..

Ian likes to lick me ;)

It's not fair he always gets more drunk than me!!


aww I love my John-boy!


Well now, he certainly loves his beer!!!

Missy and Missy stuck in the rain lol
I finally posted it!!!! haha

An older one of me and Juan lol

Got tired of my hair so I threw some red in it over the weekend...I loved it but I felt kinda like a crappy mom (i dunno why) so I darkened it a bit and here's the result...

I like it, its swell lol

My son went crazy for it!

Doin mommy stuff...eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch and watching "Cody Banks" with the little ones haha

Yes, life definitely is good...

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**RHYTHM & BREWS** [Jan. 28th, 2006|06:26 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[I'm feeling... |drunkdrunk]


Jan. 26, 2006

Sorry I forgot your shirt!!!!

Ooooh slip of the tounge! Rawr...

Gordon looks bored...or drunk, or maybe he's bored and drunk...don't really know

John's just plain 'ol drunk!!

Adrienne is so sexy I just can't help myself!

Oh how I love me a Junky ;)~

Palmer is awesome I <3 him
You rock!!!

Dont know this guy but I do know he had the time of his life dancing with this young chick! LMAO

Taken the Sat. before but had to post it anyway

OK!!! I love you again...you convinced me <3

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Suicide is self expression [Jan. 20th, 2006|01:40 am]
[I'm feeling... |sadsad]
[music spinning in my head... |Gary Jules - "Mad World"]

There are things that I said I would never do
There are fears that I cannot believe have come true
For my soul is too sick and too little and too late
And my self I have grown too weary to hate

The more I stay in here
The more it's not so clear
The more I stay in here
The more I disappear
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur...


Why am I always alone? I always have to deal with the bad shit in life by myself. I don't get it...because I am always there for everybody else...my friends, family...sometimes even people I dont know who just need someone to talk to. When things are going great, everybody wants a piece of it. But the times in my life when I truly needed the people "close" to me to be there for me, they run off and dissapear. My bf conveniently goes to sleep or goes out if I'm upset. My family is busy most of the time with thier own shit. My friends just are never around. Nobody calles, nobody cares...unless they need me for something. The people who did care are all gone.

I am just on this downward spiral...and I feel like all I need is for someone to give a shit...really care...not that phony bullshit that I usually get from people who think they are going to get something out of it in the long run. I will stick my neck out for anybody...I will fight your battles for you when you cant...I will pick you up when you are down and hold you up until you are ready and able to do it for yourself again. I give and love unconditionally. I truly listen, and I honestly care about the people around me. And I love all the people who are close to me. I think of myself as a reasonably good person, I have a good heart...why cant people just be there for me when I need them? I am down now, I have hit one of the lowest parts of my life..I need somebody to hold me up...let me cry...actually care why I am upset...I want to be held. I want to be told everything will be ok. I dont want to be a burden, I just want to feel like my life matters to someone.
I am so overwhelmed with everything..with life....the past 2 months the father of my children has gone away to jail for god knows how long...my kids are a mess...I am sick with this Lupus shit more than ever...my uncle is practically on his death bed with a brain tumor that is inoperable-he has been sent to hospice to die...my business is falling apart, my bf isnt working, and the burden of supporting a house and kids and bills now falls solely on my shoulders...and now I find out that my very close friend had a car accident and he's in bad shape...I just want to crawl in a hole and fucking die. My relationship is on the rocks big time because he cant understand why I get upset, and when we fight he is "not a gentleman" and thats all I wish say about that.
I need a break from this stress, it has been constant stress 1 thing after another....my anxiety and depression pills, they aint doin JACK SHIT for me anymore...i need this to end..somebody breathe life into me before I'm gone for good...

I am nothing. I resent that I am so unimportant. I envy people who are important. I dream about the warmth of love. I guess I am destined to dwell in the shadows, unseen....so easily forgotten.


link4 comments|post comment

Please pray for my friend... :( [Jan. 19th, 2006|11:40 pm]
[I'm feeling... |crushedcrushed]
[music spinning in my head... |Pretenders - "I'll Stand By You"]

I found out today that a very close friend of mine...a person who has always been there for me through good times and bad for the past 13 years of my life, was seriously injured in a horrific accident yesterday.

This man is like a brother to me and has stood by my side and helped me through some of the toughest moments of my life. I love him so much and my heart is just broken over this. I have yet to find out the extent of the injuries...I called the hospital as soon as I found out and they gave me the wrong information, so when I went down there to see him, he was in a different room and was not allowed to see any visitors. I can't rest until I see him, and know how he is doing.

It is truly a miracle that he survived along with the other passenger in the car (who is my cousins brother-in-law). Unfortunatly the driver of the car passed away at the scene.

My prayers go out to the family of the driver as well as the family of my "brother", Carmine.

Carmine is a very strong and caring person and he has always taken care of me, and has always been very protective of me. He has always made sure I was ok, through the many changes my life has taken over the years. It absolulutely kills me to know that he is laying in a hospital, and to not know the extent of his injuries makes it even worse.

I love you so much, Carm...I hope your recovery is quick and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I will be by your side to help you pull through this, as you have stood by my side so many times before. I can't loose you...please be strong...


Brooklyn man dies in highway crash

2 others in car, both from Island, are injured in West Shore Expressway accident
Thursday, January 19, 2006


A Brooklyn man was killed and an Arden Heights man seriously injured when their car slammed into a guard rail on the West Shore Expressway yesterday afternoon as they traveled home from work.

Angelo Colaccio, 34, of East 53rd Place, Brooklyn, was pronounced dead at the scene after the 1997 Mercedes Benz he was driving spun out of control near Englewood Avenue and crashed, pinning him inside and ejecting front-seat passenger Carmine Bottiglieri from the vehicle, police said.

Bottiglieri, 32, of Carlyle Green, was taken to Staten Island University Hospital, Ocean Breeze, with neck and back injuries. He was listed in serious but stable condition last night, police said.

Back-seat passenger Alexander Modowar of North Railroad Avenue was taken to Staten Island University Hospital for observation, police said.

Colaccio was driving northbound when he apparently lost control of the car, police said. They added that weather wasn't a factor, although they are still investigating what caused the accident.

According to public records, the Mercedes was registered to Freida E. Tucker, who police said was Colaccio's wife. Attempts to reach her last night were unsuccessful.

After the accident, the mangled silver Mercedes lay facing traffic, its top torn off and its doors in the grass at the side of the road. Scattered pieces of the broken metal guardrail lay near the car.

Modowar's mother, Dorothy Meyer, interviewed at her home last night, said her 25-year-old son suffered bruises and scrapes on his hand and a bump on his head "bigger than a golf ball," but had been released from the hospital.

"All he remembers is getting out of the car and seeing his friend on the ground. The three were very good friends. He is very upset about it," Ms. Meyer said

Bottiglieri's in-laws, who answered the door at his townhouse last night, said their son-in-law was still in the hospital, but didn't know much about the accident or the people in the car.

"We're thankful he wasn't hurt worse than he was," said his mother-in-law, Madeline Venditti.

Both families said the trio was on their way home from work, but didn't know the name of the company they worked for.
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"Dear John" letters.... [Jan. 7th, 2006|06:31 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[I'm feeling... |gigglygiggly]
[music spinning in my head... |Gwar - Carnival of Chaos]

Love letters to John.....I find it much easier to put my true feelings in a letter, rather than say them face to face. So this is for you, John <3


Dear dirty worthless fundamentalist,

You're my bloodstained bunny. I remember when you used to shave a hamster. Every time you adopt a rude syphilitic donkey and name it after you, I lose my mind. I love you, you gorgeous daffodil. I just want you to know that if you'll only love me, I'd suck a blue whale. What do I have to do for your love?

I'm going to eat a noisy stallion - and I'd do it again - to win your love. I feel I must tell you that I'd stick a goldfish inside a delicious daisy to make you love me. What have I done to offend you?
Love always and forever,


Dear melon,

While I'm writing this I got so emotional I had to scratch a chicken.
I just want you to know that for you, I'd fart on a sexy heating unit. I remember when you used to make soup out of a cigarette. I just want you to know that so that I could live in your dreams, I'd tickle a Persian cat.
You're my amazing banana. I never meant to fart on a worthless self-help book.!
I'm finding it hard to write this, but I'll try.... I just want you to know that no matter what, to make you love me, I'd make dinner out of a chili and deodorant. I feel I must tell you that I'd torment a frigid sex-mad little walrus just to make you happy. I will shave a vulture if you'll just give me a sign.
I'm going to make clothes out of a kitten - and I'd do it again - (and it would feel good) for your love, no matter what they say.

I love you so much!


Hello, daffodil

Every time you propose to a German Shepherd, I lose my mind.

You're my sexy fridge-magnet. What do I have to do just to make you laugh? I'll make soup out of a bloodstained Doberman if you'd just tell me you loved me.
I'd fart on a carton of orange juice.
I'd love to fuck a walrus so that I could live in your dreams.

If you loved me like I love you, you'd make soup out of a toddler.
I love you, you fruit machine.

I'll barbeque a Persian cat if you'll just give me a sign.

I never meant to wear a apple. I can hardly type, I love you so much.
I'm going to fuck a puppy to make you love me, you bunch of dried flowers.


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I'm not okay I promise... [Jan. 4th, 2006|04:58 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[I'm feeling... |distresseddistressed]
[music spinning in my head... |My Chemical Romance - "I'm not okay"]

Uggghh. I'm sick as a dog. Bleh...

Time to bitch, bitch, bitch....

I feel like I have some mystery sickness....for almost 2 weeks now, my tonsils are so big they look like they are going to pop. I keep getting really high fevers, especially at night - terrible nightsweats...and my tounge feels like it gets swollen on and off. My ear is fucking killing me!!! I have these weird pains in my abdomen and in my lungs when I breathe and my back, too...very sharp pains and they go right through my body. I am having waves of nausea. My heart keeps beating strangely, and I have shooting pains in my shoulder and neck from time to time. There are strange red marks on my face, bumps...they kinda look like measles(?). And I am soooo tired, I just can't do anything at all. I'm amazed I am typing at the computer, because I almost don't have the strength to do that.

Now, I am constantly sick, because of my systemic lupus my immune system is very week. I also have an arrythmia. I am used to feeling crappy. But this is actually starting to scare me. And everybody I know is coming down with the same weird symptoms. Maybe all the toxic waste on this island is finally getting the better of us. Fucking dump. I wish I could move back out west...its so pretty out there. Canyons, cyotes, beautiful sunsets, catcti, tumbleweeds, and even palm trees. Ahhhh.....AND you can carry a gun around with ya - Yay! (say hello to my LITTLE friend!!!) The desert is great becasue you can solve any problem just by digging a hole, and there's plenty of room for that! Muahahah

OK so I'm a bit delerious...I'm gonna go lay down and die
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ASSHOLE [Jan. 4th, 2006|02:33 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[I'm feeling... |pissed offpissed off]
[music spinning in my head... |Pantera - "Vulgar Display of Power"]

"i wish that i could sleep but i can't lay on my back
because there's a knife
for everyday that i've known you.
when you want it
it goes away to fast.
when you hate it
it always seems to last.
but just remember when you think
you're free
the crack inside your fucking heart is me"


Thats ok, because payback is a mother fucker...keep on pissin me off...and watch what the fuck I do

I am so angry about EVERYTHING...
I really thought this was different...
I really thought my life would be different...
by now anyway. I'm almost 29. And I still haven't gotten it right yet.

Now I really am starting to believe that it is me...there must be something wrong with me because people are just incapable of loving me...I am used for whatever reason, then tossed aside.

Oh, you need a friend? Missy will be there for you. Oh, are you upset? Missy will listen to you. Do you need advice? Missy will give you some. Want to feel better? Missy will cheer you up. Need a place to stay? Clothes? Food? Money? Don't worry, Missy will get it for you.

Need to feel loved? Go to Missy...she loves everybody.


I have been hurt my whole life...by family, friends, boyfriends, husbands...everybody. I feel betrayed by the whole fucking world.

So now I will stop typing and return to my rediculous excuse for a life and put on a smile and pretend that I am ok...because nobody seems to care that I'm not

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Coach's gone wild [Jan. 3rd, 2006|04:46 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[I'm feeling... |sadsad]
[music spinning in my head... |Godflesh - "Pure"]

OK, well I'm feel sad today so I'll post some pics that make me happy!

*********** Coach's 12-08-05 ***********

Even pool tables are comfy when ur dunk....

Me and G...

3 sexy mami's....


Me and Adrienne getting wasted...

honestly I dont know what is going on here...


drunken girl kiss!!! muahaha!!!...

looks like Adrienne got a little excited, eh?...

I dont know whats going on here, either...

I <3 you guys!!!! Oh, and thanks Ian for the shower...

************** Coach's 12-01-05 *************

were fuckin hott...

we found these people...they were cute...

Adrienne, Ian, and me in my lumberjack outfit...

Ha! I caught you... :)~


the weird camera angles are because were too drunk to stand straight...



Ohhh, John looks so happy from my sweet kisses!

G is trying to convince John that he can have me lol...

molested by Adrienne!!!...

I didnt exactly know how fat I was until Ian picked me up and I saw my fat ass. His face is classic...

sorry for the hernia, buddy! ...

I love drunken hugs...

Rye bread mutha fucka w00t w00t!! ...

My brotha from anotha mutha....I love you <3

...Lets see what happens this Thursday...

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PLEASE VISIT http://hartzvictims.org/ [Nov. 20th, 2005|03:47 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[I'm feeling... |nauseatednauseated]
[music spinning in my head... |Crossfade - "Colors"]





"This is the letter and photos that Cheryl submitted to Hartz regarding her cat, TJ.

WARNING: The photos below are very disturbing

Per my vet, my cat, TJ, was poisoned by one of the Hartz Cat Flea collars. His neck looks like a turkey's, his tail, paws, mouth, ears....any place that he touched with the collar, also become severly infected. As he was a very furry friend, until he began to smell, stop cleaning himself and lose his appetite did we take a closer look. With a $200 vet bill, and hopefully a successful next 14 days, he should be back to normal. After receiving steroid & antibiotic injections, fluids via IV, several antibiotic flushes & oral antibiotics (antibiotics will be given for 14 days, flushes at home 2/day and to get him to eat/drink, special "milk" and food "gravy".)

I'll take him back for checkup in a week. He seems alot better but the pics I am sending were AFTER the vet. He also weighed about 18 lbs. and seemed lighter and more picky about eating...he is down to 14lbs. The vet said that it was definately caused by the collar. I am surprised TJ didn't die and did so well as he's no youngster...about 11 yrs. old. Given research that I have done, apparently there are thousands and thousands of animals that are being maimed and killed by your products (example- www.hartzvictims.org) . I am furious that this product is still available and that I hadn't heard anything about it until TJ almost died. Please advise. "


cblonestar writes:

3 1/2 months ago I came home from work and upon opening my front door I saw that someone had wedged a small bundle of rags in between my sceen and front doors.

The little bundle fell to my feet and to my surprise a tiny newborn kitten rolled out from inside it.

It was so young that it's baby eyes were not even opened yet and I was at a loss as to what I should do with it.
I didn't have the heart to abandon it somewhere so I committed myself to raising it at least until it was old enough for the humane society. I am a single man in my late 40s and have recently re-entered college to complete my long ignored education and a cat was not in my plans.

Things didn't work out the way I planned.The cat just sort of grew on me and I guess you could say we bonded. I grew to love my little cat and she has provided me with hours and hours of fun, amusement and a warm unconditional love that I didn't know was possible from a mere cat. She is now almost 4 months old and as I write this she is lying on my easy chair trying desparately to cling to life. It is silly for a man of my age to feel like crying over a mere cat but the tears are hard to supress as I type this statement.

Two weeks ago I noticed that my little "Gata" was scratching like crazy and I checked her out. Fleas sure as can be! Must have picked them up out in the backyard.

I went immediately to the H.E.B. grocery store and bought the most expensive flea remedy they had to offer, Hartz Mountain Flea and Tick Drops For Cats(advanced care type). I applied the drops as instructed on the package and three days later my gata was scratching fleas anew even though I hadn't allowed her back outside! I applied another little bottle of Hartz.A week later I had to leave town for two days to work and when I got home my little cat was acting strange.

She walked like she was drunk and she couldn't seem to stand up straight!She couldn't run to greet me as is her custom to do and at one point she actually crashed into the wall head on as though she couldn't see it in front of her! She seemed to had lost weight also. I searched the house for anything she may have gotten into but couldn't find anything at all. Then I noticed that the 2 1/2 day supply of food and water I'd left for her had been barely touched! I became very alarmed and took her to the vet the very next morning(one week ago today). He was baffled but said it appeared to be some kind of toxic reaction. I insisted that I had checked my house from top to bottom and there wasn't a single toxic substance she could have gotten into and I keep all my cleaning fluids and such in a secured area in my pantry closet.

Then he asked me "have you flea dipped her or put any kind of flea preparations on her lately?" I told him I had and it was a good brand and it seemed to work fine (after the second application).Then he dropped the bomb on me, he said "You didn't use Hartz did you?" My mouth fell open and I began to get a sinking feeling when I told him "Yes I used the advanced stuff".

He told me that Hartz was known to kill cats on a regular basis and he couldn't guarantee that he could help my cat! I was just in shock but I told him to do what he could and He went to work. Blood tests and medications and massive amounts of saline to stimulate kidney functions. Shots to help her liver and hours went by before I could take my little baby home. Two more visits to the vet since then and now my little orphaned bundle who was so energetic and happy two weeks ago is lying on my easy chair unable to walk or even eat and is about to leave me for good. Cats have an 8 to 12 year average life span, mine is not yet 4 months. It was through my ignorance that I did this to my beautiful little orphan but it was through the corporate greed and dishonesty of Hartz Mountain that it was able to happen in the first place. My cat is crippled and will soon be dead because of those people and their lust for profit and you can bet that I am angry about it . So angry that I would like to cripple and poison a few of those bastards with my own hands.

But all I can do is try to make my little orphan's last hours as easy as possible. Thank you God almighty for the wonderful love my little cat gave to me. And forgive me for the harm I did to her.

Bio Spot Poisoned Our Pets

Debbie writes:

"To all fellow pesticide victims,

Hi All,

I have read many of your stories in shock and have experienced a nightmare of my own. I have enclosed a copy of my letter to the EPA for you to read. I intend to follow up with other agencies in my area and I am also going to send a copy of this to PETA as well. If any of you have any additional information or suggestions please email me at djstone5@yahoo.com

I only wish I'd found this site before I nearly killed my pets with this crap. They are home tonight but I've been told it could be 3 weeks before we know if they'll make it.

Thank you,

Deb Stone

To Anyone Who Cares,

Last night 11-11-05, I put Bio Spot Flea and Tick control on our 2 TWO HEALTHY cats and went to bed. I woke up to an absolute horror show. I MEAN HORROR!!!!!!!!!

I heard a horrible thud and asked my husband to check it out. He stared screaming for me to get in the bathroom now!! I went in only to find my son's 2-year-old cat "Princess" seizing violently on my bathroom floor. Her head was arched back in violent racking seizures and paws flailing wildly in the air. Vomit was everywhere as well as diarrhea, pee, and blood on everything because she was biting down on her tongue from the seizing and unspeakable foaming from her mouth. I went into shock and couldn't believe what I was witnessing. I picked her stiff and seizing body up off the floor and ran to my kitchen counter to try and get a better idea of what was going on. My husband placed a trash bag on the counter and I laid her down. She continued to seize violently and gasped for air. This is my son's and his girlfriend's cat so I yelled to my son to come and help. The terrified and traumatized look on his face mirrored my husbands and mine. Thank God our daughter was sleeping at a friend's house and did not have to endure the horror of watching our precious cats suffer so horribly. My husband called the Banfield Pet Hospital and they said to bring her in right away. I didn't think her seizing could get any worse but when I tried to wipe her mouth so she could breath she actually began like a running in place on her side and made sounds of death that even Steven Spielberg couldn't produce. While I lifted her into a pet carrier my elderly mother began screaming from her bedroom. Our 8 yr. old cat "Oreo" was lying on the floor seizing, vomiting and foaming at the mouth just like "Princess". Dear God, do you have any idea how absolutely horrifying it is to have not one but two members of your pet family dying before you and your child's eyes? I knew once I saw "Oreo" that it must have been the Bio Spot flea treatment that "I", "ME" had put on them thinking I was doing something right. Now, we needed to rush both of our cats to the hospital. My son and his friend jumped in his car with "Princess" and my husband and I took our car with "Oreo" who was dying in my arms as we rushed to the pet hospital. Both cats continued to seize, vomit and foam all the way to the hospital. "Oreo" looked at me with his eyes wide open and looked as if he were begging me to make it stop. Once at the pet hospital they were taken right in and treated by Dr. Augusto who is a wonderful veterinarian. We were then taken into a room to wait to hear if they were going to live or die. After what seemed to be an eternity, the doctor came into the room and informed us that the Bio Spot had poisoned them. They were both suffering the deadly effects of the toxic chemical pesticide, which is used in the flea treatment. He then proceeded to tell us that they might not make it and if they do survive this they may still have suffered permanent liver damage from this pesticide in the Bio Spot.

He then shocked me when he said he sees this "ALL THE TIME"!!!! How can this continue? How in the world can this deadly product be deemed safe and for use on pets if it is this deadly? This is a regular occurrence in the pet world. This is NOT just a case here or a case there. There are thousands of pet owners who have experience this, THOUSANDS. Once he delivered his news and returned to care for our cats, the nurse came into the room to give us an estimate for treatment. Today would cost me more than half of my husband's bi-weekly check to the tune of $689.00. MORE THAN HALF!! Not to mention we are not done because they have to go back on Monday for a follow up visit if they live through this and more expense if they make it three weeks from now for more blood tests and further exams. Heaven help us if there is permanent damage because then I'll have to decide if I can afford to continue with treatment or have them euthanized after all this anyway. We live paycheck to paycheck and this has put us in a world of financial hurt. We live in New England and need to buy oil for heat before it snows and now that will have to wait or maybe we just won't eat for two weeks until our next paycheck. This is a direct result of the careless greed of Bio Spot and they should be required to pay for the expensive hospital care that we have been forced to pay to keep our pets alive after using their horrible and toxic product. You can't even imagine how devastated and guilty I was feeling, thinking that I had probably killed our pets by using this crap. This is absolutely unconscionable on Bio Spot's part selling something that they know and will not admit too, can cause and has caused this type of deadly reaction. I'm sure they must be laughing all the way to the bank at pet owner's expense. This is reminiscent of the tobacco companies who for years said that cigarette smoking doesn't cause cancer and look how that turned out. Do we have to wait for more pets and possibly humans to die from this toxin? While I was in the pet hospital waiting for the doctor I began experiencing a bloody nose that wouldn't stop for several minutes. I have never had a bloody nose for any unexplained reasons before but suddenly I had one. I can't help but wonder if I was also having a reaction to this toxin as well. Yes, I did get it on my hands and yes I did wash my hands after but what if... Consumers should not have to worry about killing their pets and possibly themselves because they want to rid pets of fleas and ticks. If it's not safe then for God sake take it off the shelves. The EPA approved this toxic substance for use and now it needs to be removed from use. Why didn't the FDA get involved in this process? I know that thousands of other pet owners have asked for your help and now so am I. I implore you to act in a conscientious and responsible manner and help me with this devastating and expensive result from using Bio Spot. This has been an extremely traumatic and expensive experience for our entire family, one we will never forget.


Deborah J. Stone,

Auburn, Massachusetts"


For Hartz victims, here is the name of a reporter who can help you get your story out to the public and make people aware of this horror.

Brenda is a reporter in New York who is still desparately searching for victims in the area. Please call her at the number below if you're in the area

Hi --

My name's Brenda Flanagan. I'm a reporter for the investigative unit
at UPN-9 TVNews...located in the North Jersey/NYC Metro area. I am looking
for local pet owners who'll agree to be interviewed about their experience
with Hartz flea drops. I have also obtained the videotape of affected cats
-- shot by an Arkansas vet (Dr. Rose) who runs a cat clinic. Please please
get in touch with me! My number here at work is 201-330-2288...cell is

Thanks - Brenda Flanagan (PS - I have six cats -- Peter, Bushy, Sing,
Marlon Brando, Rufus Rumpuscat, and Ophelia the Smidgen)

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For someone very close to my heart.... [Nov. 16th, 2005|03:51 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[I'm feeling... |melancholymelancholy]
[music spinning in my head... |H.I.M. - "Wings of a Butterfly"]

For someone very close to my heart...

a few passages from Alexander Pope's poem "Eloisa to Abelard"


Thou know'st how guiltless first I met thy flame,

When Love approach'd me under Friendship's name;
My fancy form'd thee of angelic kind,
Some emanation of th' all-beauteous Mind.
Those smiling eyes, attemp'ring ev'ry day,
Shone sweetly lambent with celestial day.
Guiltless I gaz'd; heav'n listen'd while you sung;
And truths divine came mended from that tongue.
From lips like those what precept fail'd to move?
Too soon they taught me 'twas no sin to love.
Back through the paths of pleasing sense I ran,
Nor wish'd an Angel whom I lov'd a Man.
Dim and remote the joys of saints I see;
Nor envy them, that heav'n I lose for thee.

I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!
How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?
How the dear object from the crime remove,
Or how distinguish penitence from love?
Unequal task! a passion to resign,
For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain � do all things but forget.
But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!
Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself � and you.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"

O Death all-eloquent! you only prove
What dust we dote on, when 'tis man we love.

Then too, when fate shall thy fair frame destroy,
(That cause of all my guilt, and all my joy)
In trance ecstatic may thy pangs be drown'd,
Bright clouds descend, and angels watch thee round,
From op'ning skies may streaming glories shine,
And saints embrace thee with a love like mine.

May one kind grave unite each hapless name,
And graft my love immortal on thy fame!
Then, ages hence, when all my woes are o'er,
When this rebellious heart shall beat no more;
If ever chance two wand'ring lovers brings
To Paraclete's white walls and silver springs,
O'er the pale marble shall they join their heads,
And drink the falling tears each other sheds;
Then sadly say, with mutual pity mov'd,
"Oh may we never love as these have lov'd!"

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YAY! Ghosterie at Pouch Camp *Happy Halloweenie* [Oct. 31st, 2005|03:57 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[I'm feeling... |happyhappy]
[music spinning in my head... |Fugazi - "Waiting Room"]

So, I was finally feeling well enough to leave my house, so me and my sister Kelly took my kiddies to the cubscouts "Pouch Camp Ghosterie"

I am a dorky mom...

My daughter, the future gambler...

Kelly (the missing Reinhart) and my son...

We actually found a NICE spot on Staten Island...amazing...

The kids agreed..,

We found a totem so of course we had to take pics with it...

...ok I know what it looks like I'm getting ready to do, so don't even say it! And my daughter looks thrilled as well. (she didn't like the totem guy)

My son was so excited....

...he grew antlers!!!

Time for some treats..or tricks???

Aunt Kelly likes spider cupcakes

Eyeball candy

..Time to get the kids in thier costumes!!!!


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the agony of passing...slowly [Oct. 26th, 2005|07:29 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[I'm feeling... |sicksick]
[music spinning in my head... |NIN - "Fragile"]

I am slowly dying....I can feel the life draining out of me, bit by bit, as each minute passes by. My body grows weaker and more tired....its hard to concentrate....the mind slows down and thoughts are harder to process. To speak a simple word, something which has occured so naturally since I was a young child, now has becomes a challenge. It hurts to eat...it hurts to breathe...it hurts when my heart beats...the pain won't go away. I am withering away..slowly...painfully...no one knows why...no one can help me....
How could it be that just a year ago I was a completely different person? I loved to go out, be around my friends, just go for drives listening to my favorite music and sharing laughes with my favorite people....now I am lucky if I can make it out of bed just to take a shower, or sit at this stupid computer which has become my only connection to the outside world. I am not the same person I was a year ago...I have transformed into this shadow of my former self...this dark, lifeless, sad, being...slowly wasting away.....

My happieness is gone and my misery remains, like a stain on my soul.

A crimson pool so warm & deep
Lulls me to an endless sleep
Your hand in mine - I will be brave
Take me from this earth
An endless night - this, the end of my life
From the dark I feel your lips
And I taste your bloody kiss

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